The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Chris Carter and 1013 Productions, all rights reserved. The following transcript is in no way a substitute for the show "The X Files" and is merely meant as a homage. This transcript is not authorized or endorsed by Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, or Fox Entertainment. It was painstakingly typed out by CarriK and made available for your personal enjoyment by me, DrWeesh from my website, The X Files Transcripts Archive




SCENE 1

(A brightly covered comic book cover, The Great Mutato, opens to the black and white interior. The first caption on the neighborhood street scene is "Somewhere in the land, a monster lurked." The picture fades into an actual street. The episode is filmed in black and white.)

(Outside the BERKOWITZ house. 18 year old IZZY BERKOWITZ and a friend are looking under the hood of a very old car. BOOGER is in the driverís seat.)

IZZY: Youíre flooding it, Booger.

(BOOGER grunts and does something that causes a cloud of smoke to burst from the engine into IZZYíS face. IZZY coughs. SHAINEH BERKOWITZ, early middle aged, comes out onto her porch.)

SHAINEH: For Godís sake, Izzy!

(As SHAINEH comes down to the car, IZZY and his friend get into car.)

BOOGER: Here she comes. Letís go. Come on, man.

SHAINEH: (looking in car) You got to be kidding.

IZZY: What?

SHAINEH: Donít "what" me, Izzy, or you ainít going to no comic book convention.

IZZY: Iím 18. I go anywhere I want.

SHAINEH: Yeah, but where you going to live when you get back?

IZZY: (impatient) Mom, we got to get going.

SHAINEH: You drive careful, Booger. Heís the only son Iíve got.

BOOGER: Okay, Mrs. B.

(Car drives away, belching exhaust. SHAINEH watches them go, shakes her head.)

(Later, inside the house we hear the TV - Jerry Springer Show. Camera begins panning through the house.)

JERRY SPRINGER: (voice on TV) I'm about to introduce you to a woman who three years ago was delivered the surprise of her life.

(We see someone walking quietly through the BEKOWITZ house.)

JERRY SPRINGER: After nine months of what seemed like a normal pregnancy, doctors delivered to Dolores a very special child. Already a mother of two beautiful children, Dolores held in her arms a boy with fur like a dog and a hairline like Eddie Munster. She's here with us today with her real live, but sleeping, wolf baby.

(SHAINEH is in bed raptly watching the TV. Jerry Springer is interviewing a woman holding a sleeping hairy child.)

JERRY SPRINGER: Hey, why not just give him a razor and some shaving cream? I mean, heís going to be shaving in a couple of years anyway.

(Circus tent like fabric begins rolling down outside covering the house.)

WOLF BOY MOTHER: Well, actually, he seems to be quite allergic to shaving cream. They seem to like him. They like to come up and touch his hair and tug on it a little.

JERRY SPRINGER: So they don't tease him?

WOLF BOY MOTHER: No. He's quite popular.

JERRY SPRINGER: Dandruff a problem?

WOLF BOY MOTHER: Mmm. No. I wash his hair twice a day and brush 100 strokes a night.

SHAINEH: I cainít believe this.

JERRY SPRINGER: I think the question the audience really wants answered is, uh... what does the father look like?

WOLF BOY MOTHER: The father is completely bald.

JERRY SPRINGER: Completely bald?

WOLF BOY MOTHER: Completely.

JERRY SPRINGER: Were you a hairy kid?

WOLF BOY MOTHER: No. I was not.

JERRY SPRINGER: Seriously?

WOLF BOY MOTHER: Really.

JERRY SPRINGER: Come on. Fess up. We have pictures here. We happen to know that you had hair all over your face.

WOLF BOY MOTHER: I'm afraid that that cannot be true.

JERRY SPRINGER: I know this is a little delicate... but, uh, does he have any problem with fleas?

I mean, he's not a real wolf boy, is he?

WOLF BOY MOTHER: No. I'm very careful about that. I buy the right products for fleas and... He does get the occasional itchies but he's all right.

JERRY SPRINGER: You donít have fleas?

(Gas stove burner is turned on. Something that looks like a hockey puck is placed in a frying pan. It immediately begins to smoke. Music starts. Smoke begins to seep under SHAINEHíS bedroom door.)

CHER: (singing) LONLINESSÖ.

SHAINEH: Hello?! (mutes the TV)

IS THE CLOAK YOU WEAR Ö

SHAINEH: Whoís there? (coughing and rubbing her chest.)

DEEP SHADE OF BLUE IS ALWAYS THERE
THE SUN AINíT GONNA SHINE ANYMORE
THE MOON AINT GONNA RISE IN THE SKY
THE TEARS ARE ALWAYS CLOUDING YOUR EYES

(Bedroom door opens and SHAINEH gasps as the GREAT MUTATO peeps in the room. He has a lumpy head and two faces.)

WHEN YOUíRE WITHOUT LOVE Ö.

(Exterior shot of house shows that it completely covered by a circus tent.)




[OPENING CREDITS] [OPENING CREDITS] [OPENING CREDITS] [OPENING CREDITS] [OPENING CREDITS]




SCENE 2

(Two lane road. MULDER and SCULLY in car, MULDER driving. SCULLY is reading a letter out loud.)

SCULLY: "Dear Special Agent Mulder: Iím writing to you for help. Several years ago I had an experience I could not explain. I was lying in my bed when I felt a presence in the room. Though I was awake. I felt that something had taken control over my body. I donít remember much else but I woke up three days later pregnant with my son, Izzy. (MULDER and SCULLY look at each other.) That was 18 years ago, but now it happened again. I was in bed and could swear I heard Cher singing Ö The one who was married to Sonny. (Another look.) Then the room got all smoky, and I saw some kind of monster. He had a really gross face with lumps all over his head. I was too scared to scream. Then I got all groggy and conked out for three days. Guess what happened when I woke up? I got your name off the TV. Some lady on the Jerry Springer show who had a werewolf baby said you came to her house. (SCULLY looks at MULDER accusingly. He looks guilty.) Well, I got her story beat by a mile so maybe youíll want to come see me, too. Sincerely, Shaineh Berkowitz."

MULDER: Scully, do you think itís too soon to get my own 1-900 number?

(SCULLY rolls her eyes.)




SCENE 3

(BERKOWITZ kitchen. SHAINEH is pouring classes of Perk cola for MULDER and SCULLY who are sitting at the kitchen table.)

SHAINEH: So, did you actually see that werewolf baby or was that just a story?

MULDER: No. It had something called hypertrechosis lanuginosa. Itís a rare hereditary condition most commonly found in some South American families.

SHAINEH: (not convinced) Uh huh. But it was all hairy and stuff?

SCULLY: Uh, Mrs. Berkowitz? You said that you also had a son?

SHAINEH: Mm hmm. Izzy. Thatís him there.

(She points to a picture of IZZY posing with a pig. They look very similar.)

SCULLY: And Izzy is the product of your union with some kind of intruder?

SHAINEH: I donít know about no union, but I sure woke up in a condition.

SCULLY: Did you report this to the police?

SHAINEH: Of course I did.

SCULLY: Was there an investigation?

SHAINEH: Not really. Nobody here ever locks their doors, and it took me a month of two to figure it out Ö I mean, that I was pregnant.

SCULLY: And now youíre pregnant again?

SHAINEH: Uh huh, but as I told Agent Mulder on the phone, thatís what takes the cake.

MULDER: Mrs. Berkowitz had a tubal ligation two years ago.

SHAINEH: You canít plant a seed in a barren field. (She gets up and holds out a very clean frying pan.) They were cooking something on the range. Took me two days of scrubbing to clean the skillet. (SCULLY looks at the skillet, then at MULDER. SCULLY sets the skillet back down.) I donít know how many of them there were. I only saw the one, but they ate almost a whole damn jar of peanut butter. (Holds up a large empty jar of peanut butter.)

SCULLY: You were gone for three days, but nobody missed you?

SHAINEH: I know what youíre thinking.

SCULLY: Do you drink, Mrs. Berkowitz?

SHAINEH: No. But Iím not so sure my intruders, as you call them, didnít have a few. Somebody set a tumbler here and didnít use no coaster. (points to two ring shaped water marks on an old cabinet)

MULDER: (leaning down to examine the marks) Mmm.

SHAINEH: Thatís a family heirloom, too.

SCULLY: Is there no chance that your son could have put it there?

SHAINEH: (snorts derisively) Izzyís got more brains than that. Not much more, but he values his life. (indicates room at the end of the hall) That pigsty there is his room.

(SCULLY enters the bedroom and looks around.)

SHAINEH: You know what this thing is, donít you Agent Mulder?

MULDER: Why do you say that?

(SCULLY finds a GREAT MUTATO comic book.)

SHAINEH: 'Cause youíre acting all quiet and stuff. And you know something youíre not saying -- about alien abductions. They said on the Jerry Springer show youíre, like, an expert.

MULDER: Well, I donít think this has anything to do with alien abductions. I donít even know if I believe in that stuff anymore.

SHAINEH: Oh, come on. Really?

SCULLY: Mrs. Berkowitz? You gave a description of the intruder. You said that he had a gross face and lumps on his head?

SHAINEH: And two mouths. I donít know if I mentioned that.

SCULLY: Funny. Sounds just like this. (MULDER comes to her side and looks at the comic book. SCULLY holds it up for SHAINEH.)

SHAINEH: Oh, that? (SCULLY give tight smile.) Thatís the Great Mutato. (Proud.) Thatís a comic book character my kid Izzy created.

(Door bangs shut as IZZY enters.)

IZZY: Whatís going on?

SHAINEH: These are agents Mulder and Scully from the FBI.

IZZY: The Federal Bureau of Investigation?

SCULLY: We were wondering how this suspect in your motherís case looks exactly like this?

MULDER: (Holds up comic book.) The Great Mutato

IZZY: Because I Ö Iíve seen him, too.

SCULLY: Youíve seen the Great Mutato?

IZZY: Yeah. A lot of people around here have.

SCULLY: Has it crossed neither of your minds that what you say you saw that night fits perfectly with this creature that your son created?

SHAINEH: (defensively) Well, yeah. But Ö that donít mean it didnít happen.

(MULDER looks at SCULLY and raises his eyebrows.)




SCENE 4

(Night. Outside in a clearing near a forest. IZZY unwraps a sandwich and leaves it on a stump.)

IZZY: Donít ask me why, but it works.

SCULLY: (to MULDER) Peanut butter sandwiches?

(MULDER, SCULLY, IZZY and his friends all begin walking back to the cars about 50 yards away. MULDER and SCULLY speak to each other quietly.)

MULDER: You think baloney would be more effective?

SCULLY: Why are you humoring them, Mulder?

MULDER: Iím not humoring them, Scully. This is a very serious crime.

SCULLY: So is perjury. So is calling out FBI agents under false pretenses.

MULDER: For the purpose of what?

(IZZY stays close, hiding a tape recorder.)

SCULLY: Isnít it obvious? (MULDER shakes his head.) I think that what weíre seeing here is an example of the culture for whom daytime talk shows and tabloid headlines have - have become a reality against which they measure their lives Ė a culture so obsessed with the media and a chance for self-dramatization that theyíll do anything in order to gain a spotlight.

MULDER: I am alarmed that you would reduce these people to a cultural stereotype. Not everybodyís dream is to get on Jerry Springer.

SCULLY: Psychologists often speak of the denial of an unthinkable evil or a misplacement of shared fears. (MULDER leans against the hood of their car, SCULLY stands in front of him.) Anxieties taking the form of a hideous monster for whom the most horrific human attributes can be ascribed. What we canít possibly imagine ourselves capable of we can blame on the ogre, on the hunchback, on the lowly half-breed. (TD NOTE: Perfect opportunity for Cher's song, "Half-Breed", don'tcha think?!)

(They glance over at IZZY who is leaning against nearby car and clearing his throat.)

SCULLY: But common sense alone will tell you that these legends, these unverified rumors are ridiculous.

MULDER: But nonetheless, unverifiable, and therefore true in the sense that theyíre believed to be true.

SCULLY: Is there anything that you donít believe in, Mulder?

(A distant moan.)

MULDER: Shh.

(Faintly, they hear moaning. SCULLY looks around in surprise.)

SCULLY: Whatís that sound?

IZZY: Itís the Great Mutato.

(Over at the stump, they see a figure pick up the sandwich. As they begin running toward it, the figure drops the sandwich and runs into the woods. MULDER passes the stump and follows the figure. SCULLY pauses and looks at the sandwich has had two bites taken out of it on different sides. A few minutes later she catches up with MULDER as do the boys.)

SCULLY: Whereíd it go?

MULDER: I donít know. I lost it.

(Lightening flashes.)

MULDER: There. Up there.

(SCULLY shines her flashlight onto top of nearby hill. They hear pig sounds.)

OLD MAN: Turn that damn thing off. (He has a pig on a leash.) Youíre on my property.

MULDER: Weíre with the FBI.

OLD MAN: Theyíre not.

IZZY: We were --

SCULLY: We were just chasing what they told us was a monster.

OLD MAN: Monster? Whatíd I tell you boys? There ainít no monster. Iíll show you the monster youíre looking for.




SCENE 5

(Newspaper - University of Indiana News Press - Professor Creates Own Monsters. There is a picture of DR. POLLIDORI. MULDER lowers the newspaper revealing POLLIDORI sitting in his lab. Classic Mad Scientist.)

POLLIDORI: Who sent you here?

MULDER: Your father.

POLLIDORI: My father is a simpleton farmer. He understands nothing of my scientific achievements .

SCULLY: What achievements are those?

POLLIDORI: What makes you think youíd understand them any better?

SCULLY: Well, Iím a scientist, for one.

POLLIDORI: Well, then you probably know that once in a generation, perhaps once in a lifetime, a truth is uncovered which thrusts mankind into a shocking new consciousness turning accepted notions of our very existence on their head. (MULDER and SCULLY follow him through lab.) Consider relativity, the double helix, and now the Homeotic Hox gene, for which I will undoubtedly have my place among the Columbuses of science as a visionary leader of men.

(GEEK LAB BOY stands waiting, holding a covered petri dish of flies.)

POLLIDORI: Yes?

GEEK LAB BOY: What do you want me to do with these, Dr. Pollidori?

(He opens the dish. The flies all fly away.)

GEEK LAB BOY: Never mind. (Sheepishly walks away.)

MULDER: What is the Homeotic Hox gene?

POLLIDORI: (sighs) Sheís the scientist. Ask her.

SCULLY: (on the spot) I, uh Ö I believe it has something to do with, um Ö growth and development.

POLLIDORI: If you two will excuse me, I really donít have time for this. I have to travel tonight to the University of Ingolstadt to deliver an international address.

SCULLY: Sir, unless you want your scientific achievements to end up as a footnote on the Jerry Springer Show, I suggest that you make the time.

POLLIDORI: (pause, then with interest) Jerry Springer Show?

(They watch video of developing fruit fly. Periodic dramatic lightening flashes.)

POLLIDORI: Witness the morphogenesis of Drosophila Ö the fruit fly. What you are watching has been going on for millennia since the Cambrian period some 580 million short years ago when Drosophila was first born. Notice the elegant symmetry with which the pupae grows into a series of beautiful segments.

(MULDER and SCULLY slowly look at each other. POLLIDORI crosses to blackboard with diagram of a fly pupa.)

What we have found Ė what I have found Ė is that these segments represent a linear model for the genetic development of our friend, the fly. Each gene is responsible for the development of its corresponding segment: the legs, the mouth, the body, posterior and anterior. But which I, through my genius, can alter into a creation of my own. Behold Ö Proboscopedia.

MULDER: (looking at very strange image of a deformed fly) This fly has legs Ö

SCULLY: Ö. Growing out of his mouth.

MULDER: Why would you do that?

POLLIDORI: Because I can.

(Lots of lightening flashes.)

MULDER: Could that be done in humans?

POLLIDORI: That would go against every scientific convention.

MULDER: But could it be done?

POLLIDORI: Theoretically.

(Later, MULDER and SCULLY from a third story barred window watch POLLIDORI leave the "castle.")

MULDER: (to SCULLY) Good night, Dr. Frankenstein.

SCULLY: Despite what you might think, Mulder, designer mutations like these are virtually impossible in humans.

MULDER: Thatís not what I just heard.

SCULLY: Mulder, even if they could, no scientist would even dare to perform this kind of experiment on a human.

MULDER: Well, then why do them at all?

SCULLY: To unlock the mysteries of genetics, to understand how it is that even though we share the same genes we develop arms instead of wings. We become humans instead of flies or monsters.

MULDER: But, given the power, who could resist the temptation to create life in his own image?

SCULLY: We already have that ability, Mulder. Itís called "procreation." And first thing tomorrow morning, Iím going to verify the pregnancy of Shaineh Berkowitz.

(MULDER nods.)




SCENE 6

(POLLIDORI house. The decorating is obviously done by someone who has too much time on her hands. Martha Stewart gone bad. ELIZABETH POLLIDORI is packing a suitcase with menís clothes.)

ELIZABETH: When are you coming home again?

POLLIDORI: (fixing his tie) Huh?

ELIZABETH: When are you coming home again?

POLLIDORI: What?

ELIZABETH: We were going to have that talk.

POLLIDORI: Soon, soon. Weíll have our talk soon.

ELIZABETH: Thatís what you always say.

POLLIDORI: Elizabeth, you know how I feel about children. Theyíre mewling little monsters.

ELIZABETH: But I want children.

POLLIDORI: What happened to our dream about getting out of this place - getting away from this hick town?

ELIZABETH: I think thatís your dream.

POLLIDORI: Listen, what do you want -- a baby or a Nobel Prize? (She doesnít answer. He kisses her on forehead.) See you on Thursday.

(He leaves. ELIZABETH watches him drive away then lies down on bed and cries. Outside the window, circus tent material falls.)




SCENE 7

(MULDER and SCULLY drive up in front of JJís Country Diner. SCULLY goes to get a newspaper while MULDER goes into the diner. As MULDER walks through the full diner, everyone stares and smiles at him. Hysterically funny scene. He finds it a little strange, but seems to enjoy the attention. He sits down at the counter. A woman wiggles her eyebrows at him. He nods politely.)

(Outside, SCULLY reads the newspaper headline - FBI HUNTS HOMETOWN MONSTER -AGENT ADMITS STORIES: "BELIEVED TO BE TRUE." SCULLY is not pleased.)

(Inside, a very CHICKENLIKE WOMAN sits next to MULDER and begins writing notes. The WAITRESS approaches, carrying lots of plates.)

WAITRESS: Hot plates! Hot, hot, hot. (gushing over MULDER and setting plates in front of him) Biscuits, fritters, grits, flapjacks, eggs boiled, scrambled, poached, and fried. We got some monster grapefruits on the way. Bigger than your head, almost.

MULDER: I -Iíd just like some coffee, thanks.

WAITRESS: On the house. Compliments of J.J.

J.J.: (from the kitchen window) Thatís with two Js.

(MULDER tries to see what the woman next to him is writing, but with a jerk of her neck, she shields her notes from him, and leaves.)

WAITRESS: (nose to nose with MULDER) Is it true that Jerry Springerís coming to town?

(MULDER does not have time to answer. SCULLY enters with the newspaper and sits beside MULDER. The people in the diner pay her no attention.)

SCULLY: Weíve been had. Iíll save you the trouble of reading the article. It has everything we talked about last night word for word.




SCENE 8

(BERKOWITZ house. SHAINEH stands in kitchen door.)

SHAINEH: Izzy Berkowitz! Get your butt front and center!

IZZY: What did I do?

SHAINEH: All I can say is I hope the answer to that question is nothing.

(SCULLY pops her head around the doorway.)

SCULLY: We have reason to believe that you or one of your friends recorded our conversation last night and gave it to a newspaper reporter.

IZZY: Me?

SCULLY: In order to promote you comic book monster that you created.

(MULDER pops his head around doorway.)

MULDER: Do you own a tape recorder, Izzy?

IZZY: Um Ö

SHAINEH: Christmas nineteen ninety THREE!!

(IZZY reluctantly brings out tape recorder and hands to SHAINEH. MULDER takes it and presses "play.")

SCULLY: (recorded voice) Ö in the form of a hideous monster given the most horrific human attributes Ö

SHAINEH: (swatting IZZY) Thatís for starters!

SCULLY: (recorded voice) Ö What we canít possibly imagineÖ

(MULDER rewinds the tape then presses "play" again. The Cher song from the beginning plays again.)

SHAINEH: Hey! Hey thatís it. Thatís the song that was playing when I got knocked up.

(When Cher begins singing, they hear moaning and someone singing badly along with it.)

SCULLY: Who the hell is that?

MULDER: Thatís the same voice we heard out in the woods last night.

IZZY: Thatís him. The Great Mutato.




SCENE 9

(POLLIDORI house. Cher song playing loudly. House is filled with smoke. The Great Mutato sings along with Cher. He dances through the living room and up the stairs.)

CHER AND GREAT MUTATO:

THE SUN AIN'T GONNA SHINE ANYMORE
THE MOON AIN'T GONNA RISE IN THE SKY
TEARS ARE ALWAYS CLOUDING YOUR EYES
THE SUN AIN'T GONNA SHINE ANYMORE
WHEN YOU'RE WITHOUT...
LOVE...




SCENE 10

(MULDER and SCULLY exiting the BERKOWITZ house. Neighbors are all out raking leaves watching them.)

SCULLY: Where are we going now?

MULDER: (holding tape) To messenger this to the Bureau. I want special audio to filter the tracks and then I want to go back to see the professor.

SCULLY: Mulder, this is just a dopey hoax.

MULDER: Something recorded its voice on this, Scully.

SCULLY: And you think that Dr. Pollidori has something to do with it?

MULDER: When Victor Frankenstein asks himself "Whence did the principle of life proceed?" and then as a gratifying summit to his toils creates a hideous phantasm of a man he prefigures the Postmodern Prometheus. The genetic engineer whose power to reanimate matter Ė genes into life Ė us Ė is only as limited as his imagination is.

SCULLY: Mulder, Iím alarmed that you would reduce this man to a literary stereotype, a mad scientist.

MULDER: Who else would go to such trouble to impregnate Shaineh Berkowitz?

(MULDER goes to start car, SCULLY thinks for a moment, watches a neighbor watching her, then goes to the car.




SCENE 11

(MULDER and SCULLY driving. SCULLY is looking at a folder.)

SCULLY: I have to admit, Mulder. Everything looks in order. Mrs. Berkowitz had a tubal ligation in 1993 and two months ago she had two pregnancy tests both with positive results.

(MULDER stops the car, and then begins driving in reverse back the way they came.)

SCULLY: What are you doing?

MULDER: Mrs. Berkowitz said in her letter that when she saw her intruder there was a gaseous white cloud and then when she woke up three days later, nobody knew that sheíd been gone.

SCULLY: Yeah. So?

(MULDER stops the car. As MULDER and SCULLY get out of the car, the intro to another Cher song, "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" begins. The POLLIDORI house which they have stopped next to is completely covered with a tent. MULDER and SCULLY run to the house.)

CHER:

I WAS BORN IN THE WAGON OF A TRAVELIN' SHOW
MY MAMA USED TO DANCE FOR THE MONEY THEY'D THROW
PAPA WOULD DO WHATEVER HE COULD
PREACH A LITTLE GOSPEL
SELL A COUPLE BOTTLES OF DOCTOR GOOD

(MULDER rips open a section of the tent at the front of the house while SCULLY [in 3 inch heels] runs around back.)

(MULDER enters the house, gun drawn. It is filled with smoke. He goes upstairs.)

GYPSIES, TRAMPS AND THIEVES
WE'D HEAR IT FROM THE PEOPLE OF THE TOWN
THEY CALLED US

GYPSIES, TRAMPS AND THIEVES
BUT EVERY NIGHT, ALL THE MEN WOULD COME AROUND
AND LAY THEIR MONEY DOWN...

(Music changes, more ominous. SCULLY has entered the house from the back, also with gun out. She makes her way upstairs. ELIZABETH POLLIDORI lies unconscious in bed, sheets pulled up to her neck. SCULLY hears coughing from the floor on the far side of the bed.)

SCULLY: (coughing) Come on Ö Get up! Move!

(Gasping and coughing, MULDER stands up from where he has fallen beside the bed.)

SCULLY: Mulder?

(MULDER staggers towards her. Coughing, they take a few steps together, and collapse face to face a few inches apart. The OLD MAN, wearing an old fashioned gas mask enters the room and looks down at their unconscious bodies.)

OLD MAN: I told you there ainít no monster.




SCENE 12

(POLLIDORI house. Days later. MULDER and SCULLY wake up coughing. They are greeted by POLLIDORI, police and the CHICKENLIKE WOMAN, who is a newspaper reporter.)

POLLIDORI: What are you doing in my house?

(Later, MULDER and SCULLY sit at the kitchen table, both look completely hung over and exhausted. SCULLY is holding a newspaper with headline "FBI Agents Whereabouts Unknown.")

ELIZABETH: (wrapped in blanket) He had this awful face with these hideous tumors, and Ö and not one mouth, but two.

POLLIDORI: Oh, my God.

MULDER: Dr. Pollidori. Is there something youíd like to tell us?

POLLIDORI: Are you accusing me of knowing something that Iím not telling you?

MULDER: Iím accusing that your wife may have been impregnated.

(ELIZABETH looks up in delight.)

POLLIDORI: Impregnated? By whom?

MULDER: Oh, I think you know. (Stands up dramatically, but falls back against the stove rattling pans. Very funny.)

SCULLY: Sir, with all due respect I think that this is all part of a hoax.

POLLIDORI: A hoax?

SCULLY: A shameless publicity stunt.

MULDER: (holds a frying pan) Scully?

POLLIDORI: What Ö what is that?

MULDER: The other victims, they had their frying pans Ö violated. (Indicates residue on bottom of frying pan. SCULLY examines it.) Do you know what that is? (MULDER stumbles back against the garbage can.)

POLLIDORI: (pause) No, I donít.

(MULDER opens the garbage can and pulls out a large, empty container of peanut butter.)

MULDER: (dramatically) I think we found our smoking gun.

(SCULLY closes her eyes.)




SCENE 13

(Farm of the OLD MAN. The GREAT MUTATO is watching the movie "Mask" on a small television in a storm cellar. It is a reunion scene between the badly deformed young man and his mother, played by Cher.)

MASK BOY: Hey, Mom. You look great.

CHER: You look great.

MASK BOY: Mom, I have some great news.

CHER: Me, too.

MASK BOY: You first.

CHER: I quit. Iím clean as a whistle.

MASK BOY: All right, Ma Ö

(OLD MAN enters the cellar with a peanut butter sandwich.)

OLD MAN: I brought you your favorite. You finish your movie but donít stay up too late, okay, son?

(OLD MAN leaves.)

MASK BOY: Well, thatís a start.

CHER: Well, what about your news?

MASK BOY: Oh, itís no big deal. I met a girl. Weíre going out.

CHER: Come on. Tell us.

MASK BOY: Well, her name is Diana Ö.

CHER: Yeah?

MASK BOY: And sheís beautiful. Sheís got long blond hair. (A friend whistles.) She rides horses and sheís beautiful and sheís smart and she loves me.

CHER: Whatís not to love, baby?




SCENE 14

(OLD MAN enters his kitchen. Sitting at the table, he looks through a photo album filled with pictures of himself and his son, the Great Mutato as a child.. POLLIDORI enters, angry.)

POLLIDORI: Tell me it isnít true. You didnít. You wouldnít. Why?

OLD MAN: Because I can.

(POLLIDORI attacks OLD MAN)

( Grunting as we see the shadows of the two men struggling, POLLIDORI strangling the OLD MAN.)




SCENE 15

(J.J.íS diner. MULDER enters. Everyone is hostile. MULDER defensive and over it. Exact opposite of earlier scene. LARGE MAN sticks his leg out as if to trip MULDER.)

LARGE MAN: (sarcastically) Excuse me.

MULDER: (also sarcastic) Not a problem.

( Another hostile diner flips a spoonful of grits? at MULDER which lands on the back of his neck. MULDER reacts with disgust. He sits down and wipes the offending matter away. In the kitchen, J.J. spits loudly onto a plate of barely cooked eggs and hands it to the WAITRESS. The WAITRESS puts it down in front of MULDER.)

MULDER: (looking at disgusting eggs) Whatís this?

WAITRESS: (saccharine) Compliments of J.J. Coffee?

MULDER: (looking away) Sure.

(WAITRESS spills hot coffee in MULDERíS lap. He jumps up, brushing off his crotch.)

MULDER: Whoa! Thatís not a place you want to burn a guy.

(WAITRESS flounces away. MULDER looks as newspaper headline : "FBI Agents Say Monster A ĎHoaxí.")

(Commotion outside. Lots of people running past the diner. MULDER follows them to where there is a large gathering outside the post office.)

POSTAL MAN: You want to see your monster?

CROWD: Yeah!

POSTAL MAN: You really want to see your monster?

CROWD: Yeah!

POSTAL MAN: Hereís your monster.

(PM drags IZZY outside. IZZY is wearing a very bad rubber imitation head with two faces. Crowd gasps.)

POSTAL MAN: His name is Izzy Berkowitz! (Pulls fake head off.)

CROWD: No! String him up!

SHAINEH: (advancing on POSTAL MAN and her son) Get your filthy hands off him! You let him go!

POSTAL MAN: I intercepted a package.

SHAINEH: How would you like your face to intercept my fist, coconut head?

CROWD MAN: Your kidís a monster!

CROWD: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

SHAINEH: That is my son youíre talking about!

(SCULLY joins MULDER at the back of the crowd. SHAINEH can be heard in background still defending IZZY.)

SCULLY: Mulder Ö. You may have been right. That these people can be reduced to cultural stereotypes?

MULDER: They unmasked the monster.

SCULLY: I may have found something that says otherwise. The residue in the frying pan was an agricultural product used to anesthetize herds of animals.

MULDER: Used by who?

SCULLY: Farmers Ö who have to register with the FDA even to have it in their possession.

MULDER: Is there someone registered locally?

SCULLY: Mm - hmm.




SCENE 16

(Sad music. OLD MANíS kitchen. GREAT MUTATO enters and finds the OLD MAN lying dead on the floor. He begins to cry. He carries his father to the barn which is filled with animals who watch him avidly as the crying monster buries the OLD MAN in the dirt floor of the barn.)




SCENE 17

(MULDER and SCULLY drive up to the farm. They enter the barn. Again, animals are very visible. MULDER finds a hockey puck shaped object wrapped in white paper.)

SCULLY: (has found the disturbed earth over the grave) Mulder.

(MULDER holds up the hockey puck thing, then comes over to look at the grave.)

MULDER: We may be too late. I think we are. (Hears a noise overhead. He and SCULLY both draw guns.) Whoís that? Show yourself!

(A pigeon flies out of the hay loft.)

SCULLY: If youíre armed, drop your weapon and walk out slowly!

(Door to loft opens slowly. It is the CHICKEN LIKE REPORTER WOMAN.)

CHICKENLIKE WOMAN: Please donít Ö donít kill me.

MULDER: Who are you?

CHICKENLIKE WOMAN: Iím with the newspaper.

MULDER: Whatís your business here?

CHICKENLIKE WOMAN: The old man was murdered.

SCULLY: By whom?

CUT TO:
(Inside the house. Looking at the photo album.)

MULDER: Itís alive.

CHICKENLIKE WOMAN: Iíve seen it Ö in the barn, burying the old man

(Outside, mob of townspeople shout angrily. MULDER and SCULLY and CLRW go to doorway where they see a crowd of people led by POLLIDORI carrying torches approaching the farm.)




SCENE 18

(Continued from last scene.)

(MULDER and SCULLY come out to face the crowd.)

MULDER: Whatever you have in mind, Iím going to have to ask you to stop right there.

POLLIDORI: We have come for the murderer.

CROWD: Yeah!

SCULLY: What makes you think heís here?

POLLIDORI: Iíve seen him with my own eyes. He is not a man. He is a monster!

CROWD: Yeah!

POLLIDORI: The fiend must be found, and then weíll let justice take its course!

CROWD: Yeah!

POLLIDORI: Weíll search every crevice, every ravine. You get him alive if you can, but you get him!

CROWD: Yeah! Kill him! (etc)

(The crowd runs toward the barn. MULDER and SCULLY look at each other as if to say, "Now what?" CHICKEN LIKE REPORTER WOMAN follows the crowd into the barn. Animals are upset at the invasion and the fire from the torches.)

(Outside the barn)

SCULLY: Thereís only one way Pollidori could have seen that monster Ö If he was out here himself.

(SCULLY sees the GREAT MUTATO fearfully peeking out from the door of his storm cellar.)

SCULLY: Mulder.

(Guns and flashlights out, MULDER and SCULLY enter the cellar.)

SCULLY: Federal agents, and weíre armed! Come on out!

MULDER: Hey, Scully. Look at this.

(MULDER shines his light on wall covered with Cher memorabilia.)

SCULLY: Oh...

(Hearing a noise, they turn to see the GREAT MUTATO hiding in a corner)

SCULLY: Oh, my God.

MULDER: Youíre going to have to come out of there.

SCULLY: Weíre not going to hurt you. (to MULDER) Do you think he understands?

MULDER: I hope not.

SCULLY: He looks frightened.

MULDER: Weíre going to have to get him out of here, Scully. Theyíre going to kill him.

CUT TO:
(Outside, the barn has finally caught fire from one of the torches.)

CROWD MAN: The barnís on fire!

CROWD: Fire! Fire!

(There is a panicked exodus from the barn. The animals also escape. Barn burns spectactularly. MULDER and SCULLY emerge from the storm cellar with the GREAT MUTATO.)

CHICKENLIKE REPORTER WOMAN: (seeing GREAT MUTATO) There it is!

(MULDER, SCULLY, and GREAT MUTATO go back into storm cellar as crowd moves toward them. Inside the cellar they back away from the threatening crowd, MULDER and SCULLY standing protectively in front of the GREAT MUTATO. Other crowd members outside break the windows. MULDER and SCULLY are surrounded.)

POLLIDORI: Let him go.

SHAINEH: Where is he?

POLLIDORI: You let him go or weíll burn him out.

SHAINEH: Where is he? Show the world your horrid, lumpy face!

CROWD: Yeah!

(GREAT MUTATO shows himself, still standing behind MULDER and SCULLY.)

ELIZABETH: Thatís him.

SHAINEH: Ugh.

POLLIDORI: That repulsive physiognomy is the vilest perversion of science.

MULDER: Created by whom?

POLLIDORI: A pale student of my most hallowed arts whose life was taken by that which he gave life. By his own horrible creation. By that monstrosity that you see before you.

SHAINEH: Whoís he taking about?

POLLIDORI: My father.

GREAT MUTATO: No.

SHAINEH: He can talk.

POLLIDORI: Your ears deceive you. Itís a trick.

GREAT MUTATO: Iím sorry. My voice is damaged by the gaseous chemicals, but I would like to explain myself. Despite my appearance which you see is quite horrible to the human senses, I Ö have never acted to harm another soul.

POLLIDORI: These are fiendish lies!

MULDER: Quiet.

GREAT MUTATO: 25 years ago, my father, having only one son, a spiteful, hateful man of science incapable of the deeper sentiments. He came to realize that this son had been conducting secret experiments of which I was the most unfortunate product.

(Crowd gasps. POLLIDORI looks uncomfortable.)

GREAT MUTATO: A simple man, he rescued me and loved me in spite of my deformities. But, as time passed, I grew restless for friends of my own. Because I couldnít go to school or play sports orÖ or even show my face outside this farm, my father set out to learn his sonís science so that before he died, he might create for me a mate.

SHAINEH: Uh oh.

GREAT MUTATO: Alas, my father was a simple man. His heart close to the soil he worked, the animals he tendedÖ.

(Sound of horse neighing. SCULLY and MULDER look up to where a horse is looking in through a broken window. A young man with a long ponytail also looks up.)

GREAT MUTATO: The experiments he attempted too advanced for his understanding. The results of his experiments Ė unsatisfactory.

(A chicken in another window clucks. CHICKEN LIKE REPORTER WOMAN looks up.
Goat bleats in another window. Young man with a goatee looks up.)

SHAINEH: I still Ö you mean, Izzy Ö but whoís the father?

(Pig grunts in another window. SHAINEH and IZZY both look up.)

GREAT MUTATO: Suffice to say his experiments failed and Ö my father is dead. I am alone Ö and miserable but one as deformed and horrible as myself would not deny herself to me. If this being you can create, then I will take blame as a murderer.

POLLIDORI: I donít know how to re-create you. You were a mistake.

GREAT MUTATO: What we did was wrong, but in our trespasses we gave you a loving son and in your homes I went places Iíd never dreamed of. With your books, and your records and home media centers, I learned of the world and of a motherís love that Iíll never know. Cher loved that boy so much.

IZZY: Hey Ö heís no monster.

GREAT MUTATO: Arrest me then, as you will.

(MULDER and SCULLY look at each other, clearly confused, then at the crowd.)




SCENE 19

(POLLIDORI is taken away in a police car. Light from the barn fire reflects off the windows. The GREAT MUTATO sits in the backseat of MULDER and SCULLYíS car. Inside, MULDER is looking through the photo album.)

SCULLY: We should go, Mulder. The prisonerís in the car.

MULDER: (shaking his head) This is all wrong, Scully. This is not how the story is supposed to end.

SCULLY: What do you mean?

MULDER: Dr. Frankenstein pays for his evil ambitions, yes. But the monsterís supposed to escape to go search for his bride.

SCULLY: Thereís not going to be any bride, Mulder. Not in this story.

MULDER: Well, whereís the writer? (IZZY enters) I want to speak to the writer.




SCENE 20

(Music begins. Line of cars driving down rural two lane road.)

CHER:

PUT ON MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES
AND I BOARDED THE PLANE
TOUCHED DOWN IN THE LAND OF THE DELTA BLUES
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE POURING RAIN
W.C. HANDY WON'T YOU LOOK DOWN OVER ME?

(Interior of MULDER and SCULLYíS car. The GREAT MUTATO is in back seat tapping his foot and hand in time to the music.)

YEAH, I GOT A FIRST-CLASS TICKET
BUT IíM AS BLUE AS A GIRL CAN BE
WHEN IíM WALKING IN MEMPHIS
IíM WALKING WITH MY FEET TEN FEET OFF OF BEALE

(VERY STYLIZED: MULDER looks at SCULLY, then forward. SCULLY looks at MULDER, then back at the GREAT MUTATO, then forward.)

WALKING IN MEMPHIS
BUT DO I REALLY FEEL THE WAY I FEEL?

CUT TO:
(Interior of nightclub. CHER is performing the song. We never see her face.)

SAW THE GHOST OF ELVIS
ON UNION AVENUE
FOLLOWED HIM UP TO THE GATES OF GRACELAND
AND WATCHED HIM WALK RIGHT THROUGH

NOW SECURITY THERE DID NOT SEE HIM
THEY JUST HOVERED AROUND HIS TOMB
THERE'S A PRETTY LITTLE THING WAITING FOR THE KING
DOWN IN THE JUNGLE ROOM

(The GREAT MUTATO is sitting at a table right in front of the stage with MULDER and SCULLY. The GREAT MUTATO dances energetically in his seat.)

WHEN I WAS WALKING IN MEMPHIS
I WAS WALKING WITH MY FEET TEN FEET OFF OF BEALE
WALKING IN MEMPHIS

(MULDER gives high five to the GREAT MUTATO, then MULDER and SCULLY smile at each other.)

BUT DO I REALLY FEEL THE WAY I FEEL?

CUT TO:
(Shot of TV. Future. Jerry Springer is interviewing SHAINEH and ELIZABETH who are each holding a deformed twofaced baby.)

JERRY SPRINGER: Tell me something, is it Ö is it hard to love these babies?

SHAINEH: Whatís not to love?

(Jerry Springer audience gives a standing ovation.)

CUT TO:

CHER:

WHEN I WAS WALKING IN MEMPHIS
(WALKING IN MEMPHIS)

(CHER comes to the GREAT MUTATO and pulls him to his feet and leads him to dance floor. The GREAT MUTATO follows her in awe. MULDER, smiling, rises and helps push him forward. SCULLY beams.)

I WAS WALKING WITH MY FEET TEN FEET OFF OF BEALE
WALKING IN MEMPHIS
(WALKING IN MEMPHIS)

(In a very Elvis like move, MULDER, still standing, turns and holds his hand out to SCULLY. She is surprised, but takes his hand and lets him pull her into his arms. They look straight into each others eyes, smiling.)

BUT DO I REALLY FEEL THE WAY I FEEL?

(During piano interlude, MULDER and SCULLY dance closely, watching each other intently, then turn their heads to watch the GREAT MUTATO and CHER. They smile, still dancing slower now. Live frame slows and becomes a comic book drawing of MULDER and SCULLY, smiling, then hand closes page of comic book, now in color. )

PUT ON MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES...

[THE END]



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