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Night. Forest. A bright full moon hangs in the sky shrouded by clouds. As the camera penetrates some ground-level branches, we come across the hunched-over forms of a pair of STONERS - one male, one female - inhaling and exhaling deeply from cans of spray paint inside brown paper bags.
MALE STONER: Don't, don't, don't...
The FEMALE STONER tries to get his attention by pawing his arm. The MALE STONER, high, starts to laugh and stop her.
MALE STONER: Don't, don't! Don't do that, don't do it! Don't do that, you tickle me. You made the spray paint come out of my nose.
The FEMALE STONER looks up, gazing initially at his face. We see that the both have gold spray paints covering their faces from nose to chin and across their cheeks.
MALE STONER: What, do I have paint on my face?
Her gaze moves past his face until she's looking up into the sky.
FEMALE STONER: Dude, look at the moon!
The FEMALE STONER starts to turn the MALE STONER around by the arm, but he stops prematurely staring off into the sky in a completely different direction.
MALE STONER: Oh, whoa...
She puts her hand on his face and pushes it around until he's looking up at the moon.
MALE STONER: What?
FEMALE STONER: When you see a moon like that, do you ever think... life is so amazing and maybe we shouldn't waste it by just getting high all the time?
MALE STONER: No. I think about how I wish I were a werewolf.
FEMALE STONER: What would you do if you were a werewolf?
MALE STONER: Get high all the time.
Nearby we hear a man man yelling, footsteps moving across the forest floor. The STONERS notice are turn around in the direction of the noises.
MALE STONER: What's that?
MAN: (off-screen) Arghhh!
MALE STONER: Where'd that come from?
The FEMALE STONER pushes the MALE STONER in front of her for protection as they peer through tree branches. Through the branches they see a MAN being attacked by a human-sized, green, scaly, lizard creature.
The lizard creature notices the two STONERS watching and stops, turning towards them. It hisses at them, arms raised, before suddenly racing towards them roaring. But instead of attacking the STONERS it carries on, racing and jumping between them before disappearing off into the forest.
MALE STONER: (hyper-ventilating) Did that just happen?
We hear the attacked MAN lying face-down on the ground, moaning. The MALE STONER goes over to him.
MALE STONER: Hey. Hey, hey. Whoa, dude. Dude, are you okay?
The MAN rolls over as they kneel down beside him. We see he's wearing a khaki-type shirt and a jacket with a badge on the breast.
MAN: Yeah, I think so.
FEMALE STONER: Dude, are you okay?
MALE STONER: Dude, he just said that he was.
FEMALE STONER: No, not this dude.
The camera pans over the MAN to another body lying close by, a male lying face-up, his neck clearly gored wide open.
FEMALE STONER: This dude.
MALE STONER: Whoa, dude. (Motioning to the other body with a flick of his head.) I don't think that... that dude's okay.
The MALE STONER reaches for his brown paper bag...
THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
Day. The X-Files office in the basement of the FBI building. A new copy of the "I Want to Believe" poster is on a noticeboard. 5 sharpened yellow pencils are embedded in the poster, thrown like darts from nearby. Another pencil embeds itself in the poster with a thud. MULDER is sitting casually at his desk, feet up, casually browsing through old casefiles using a newly sharpened pencil to turn the pages. SCULLY enters, stopping in the doorway as she notices the state of the poster. MULDER tosses the casefile onto a haphazard pile beside him.
SCULLY: Mulder... what are you doing to my poster?
MULDER leans back in his chair.
MULDER: Scully, since we've been away, much of the "unexplained" has been explained.
He picks up a large black and white photo and shows it to SCULLY, who is now standing the other side of the desk.
MULDER: The "Death Valley Racetrack"? Turns out it was just ice formations, moving the rocks around as it melted. Yeah, ice. Humility prevents me from recounting how I once thought it had something to do with a series of mysterious sightings of a rock-like creature in Colorado... (He holds up a another print) which turned out to just be a publicity stunt by a local landscaping business. It's amazing, going through these archives with fresh - if not wiser - eyes, how many of these cases, whether it's "The Amarillo Armadillo Man" (another photo) or "The Hairy Whatsit of Walla Walla" (yet another black and white photo) ...can be explained away as fraternity pranks, practical jokes or people making stuff up simply because they're bored and or crazy. And if that doesn't explain it, well then it was probably just ice.
SCULLY: (resigned) Mulder, have you been taking your meds?
MULDER gets up out of his chair and goes over to the poster, pulling out the half-dozen or so pencils. He sounds in a reflective mood.
MULDER: Scully, Charles Fort spent his entire life researching natural and scientific anomalies, which he published in four books, all of which I know by heart. And at the end of his life, Fort himself wondered if it hadn't all been a waste. I get it. I'm a middle-aged man, Scully. No, I am, I am. I'm thinking maybe it's time to put away childish things: the Sasquatches and mothmen and (sighing) jackalopes. I thought it'd be great to get back to work. But is this really how I want to spend the rest of my days? Chasing after monsters?
SCULLY: We've been given another case, Mulder. (deadpan) It has a monster in it.
MULDER turns and fires another pencil straight into the poster.
Day. Oregon forest. SCULLY is holding a file containing pencil sketches of the lizard creature's horned face. MULDER, hands on hips, is surveying the forest around them.
SCULLY: One witness claimed that the creature had three eyes and the other one, one.
MULDER: Notice they didn't get a picture of it, which is odd - because everybody always has a camera on them these days.
SCULLY turns the file to the witness statements from the two STONERS. She shows MULDER the headshots of the two gold-faced witnesses.
SCULLY: You want to talk to these witnesses while we're here?
MULDER: (rolling his eyes, and turning away) Ohhhhhh...
SCULLY: Anyway, this is the area where they say they saw the creature attacking the animal control officer, even though he claims to not have seen whatever it was that was attacking him.
MULDER: Of course not. Mountain lions always attack from behind. He was out here responding to a call about a mountain lion. It was a mountain lion! That's what killed the other victim, too.
SCULLY: Well, that is what the local authorities thought, until they did a search the next morning and they found this area over here, where they found three more victims.
SCULLY leads MULDER down into a small depression beside the large rootball of a fallen tree. We see Police tape has cordoned it off.
MULDER: (theorising rationally) Grey wolves, Scully. They've made a comeback in this region. Wolves take their prey back to a lair.
SCULLY: Well, they were all mutilated in exactly the same manner. However, the third victim wasn't wearing any clothes.
She holds up an evidence photo of the three bodies.
MULDER: Maybe he was a nudist. Took a midnight hike in the nude, got attacked by a wolf or a lion or a bear. Maybe all at the same time. That's how I'd like to go out.
SCULLY: The uniqueness of the wounds, Mulder, implies a human element.
MULDER: Aw, Scully, I gave up profiling before I gave up monsters. You've seen one serial killer, you've seen 'em all.
SCULLY: Mulder, I can see that you're going through a questioning phase of some sort, but people have been killed here. And if we can help stop that and save some lives, I think that is a... unquestionably worthwhile thing for us to do, regardless of whether the thing we find is animal or human or (holding up a sketch of a three-eyed lizard monster) otherwise.
MULDER: Okay. When you put it that way. But mark my words, Scully, when we catch whatever is doing these killings (batting the sketch) it's only going to have two eyes.
Night. Parking lot of a truck stop. The two-red-eyed lizard monster is watching a "transaction" go down from the edge of the parking lot. A hooker, ANNABELL, is leaning into a pickup truck, trying to persuade a couple of John to take up her offer.
ANNABELL: You want to party? Oh, come on, there's a full moon out. Let's get freaky, baby. Two for the price of one. Or a solo...
The truck drives off, leaving ANNABELL standing alone.
ANNABELL: You cheap bastards!
The lizard creature starts moving towards ANNABELL, keeping out of sight between two parked semi trucks. It growls. ANNABELL turns and screams as it gets close. She grabs her purse in both hands and swings it hard into the lizard's face.
Later. MULDER is interviewing ANNABELL in the parking lot. He's examining her purse. The camera looks straight through a large hole in the centre of the purse. There is a good lizard-face-shaped imprint across most of one side of the purse.
MULDER: (handing the purse back) Looks like you gave it a pretty good shot.
ANNABELL: I think I hit it right in its horn.
SCULLY: It had a horn? Like a... unicorn?
ANNABELL: It had horns. At the back of its head, like a lizard or something.
MULDER: Did it look anything like this?
MULDER holds up the sketch of the three-eyed lizard we saw earlier.
ANNABELL: No. The thing I saw only had two eyes. And it was wearing underwear.
SCULLY: Boxers or briefs?
ANNABELL: Tighty-whities. Same kind I used to wear. I transitioned last year.
MULDER: Did you see which way it headed?
ANNABELL: I told the officers it slithered off that way, but they think I'm on crack.
MULDER: Are you?
ANNABELL gives MULDER a "well obviously" gesture.
MULDER and SCULLY share a look.
Night. Later. Tall grass borders the edge of the parking lot. The very nervous-looking face of PASHA, the animal control office we saw attacked earlier. His eyes flit from side to side. He calls out, trying to lure the creature.
He tries to whistle, but no sound comes out of his lips. He's suddenly startled from behind.
MULDER: Any sign of anything?
PASHA spins around. He's holding a catch pole and large capture net.
PASHA: Don't! Sneak up on a guy like that.
SCULLY: Sorry. (Recognising him) Hey, aren't you the officer who was attacked the other night?
PASHA: That was me.
SCULLY: So do you have any idea what kind of animal this woman might have seen this evening?
PASHA: I got a call earlier about a stray puppy running around. I'm... I'm sort of hoping it's just that, 'cause I can handle cats and dogs. Anything bigger than that, and I really start to question my....
MULDER: Career decisions?
PASHA: No, my life.
Suddenly we hear loud growling coming from close by. PASHA runs off in the other direction. MULDER and SCULLY approach the noise slowly. SCULLY has her gun drawn. MULDER instead takes out his cell phone. He holds it out in the direction of the noise, the camera's flash starts flashing repeatedly as they move closer.
SCULLY: What are you doing? Mulder...
MULDER: If this thing looks like what people say it looks like, I'm gonna get a good picture of it.
SCULLY: If this thing looks like those drawings, I'm emptying my clip into it. Even if it is in its underwear. (Worried the flash may give them away) Mulder...
MULDER: Ah, it's this new camera app. I'm not sure if it's working right.
SCULLY looks at the latest image on the camera.
SCULLY: What is that?
We see the mutilated neck of another corpse as MULDER holds out the phone. As MULDER lowers his arm we see the body lying right in front of where MULDER and SCULLY are standing, it's eyes wide open in fright.
She kneels down beside the body and takes out her flashlight for a closer examination.
SCULLY: It's a fresh kill.
In the background, we see the lizard monster its cover of long grass and racing off into the parking lot. MULDER races after it, phone held out in front him. The creature rounds the two parked semi trucks. MULDER follows, phone camera flashing constantly as he quietly walks between the two trucks. We see a figure approaching MULDER from behind. MULDER hears its footsteps just as it bears down on him. He spins around, camera flashing in the face of the would-be attacker. It's PASHA, who screams.
PASHA: I heard a noise over there, so I ran over here!
MULDER's phone continues to flash erratically.
PASHA: What is up with your phone?
MULDER: I don't know, it's this new app. I don't know if it's working right.
PASHA: Are you taking picture or video?
MULDER: I don't know.
PASHA: Go to Settings.
PASHA: Go to the settings...
Suddenly the lizard creature approaches them both from behind, creeping up between the two parked trucks. It roars at the both. They both scream. SCULLY, still examining the mutilated body, hears the screams and heads over, gun and torch drawn. She rounds the parked trucks. We see MULDER lying motionless on the ground.
She kneels down beside him. She puts her hand on his forehead, then behind his head.
He groans as he comes to.
MULDER: No, I'm okay.
SCULLY: You've got blood on you.
MULDER: I don't think it's mine.
PASHA, lying a few metres away, groans as he gets up off the ground. SCULLY turns and illuminates him with her torch. The end of his capture net is shredded.
PASHA: Okay, that's it. (He drops his catch pole and net to the ground. He takes off his cap and drops it to.) I quit.
SCULLY: (To MULDER) Did you get a good look at it?
MULDER: (smiling and waving his phone at SCULLY) I got a picture!
More growling. We see the lizard creature racing off along the other side of the parked truck. MULDER and SCULLY get up and race around to the front of the truck. Across the open parking lot we see the door of a Portaloo closing. They approach, SCULLY with gun drawn, MULDER his camera. They stand either side of the door. MULDER grabs the handle and pulls open the door. We see a man, GUY MANN, sitting on the toilet, trousers around his ankles. He's wearing a shirt and tie with a jacket and Panama hat. A proper Night Stalker outfit. He looks out at MULDER and SCULLY, taken aback.
GUY MANN: Ooh.
GUY MANN: A bit of privacy, please.
MULDER: Have you seen a...?
MULDER looks at SCULLY. He realises they're wasting their time and closes the Portaloo door before they both head off again in search of the lizard creature.
Moments after they have left, the Portaloo door opens and GUY MANN steps outside. He stops, taking off his Panama hat. We see five or six small green horns on the back of his head. They slowly retract into his skin. He replaces his hat and walks away. In the distance we see MULDER and SCULLY still hopelessly searching for the lizard creature.
Night. Morgue. SCULLY is in blue scrubs, examining the most recent victim. MULDER is looking at the evening's photos on his phone. He shows one to SCULLY, interrupting her.
MULDER: That's its ear. Or maybe... maybe it's a foot.
SCULLY: (Annoyed, fending his arm away) Mulder...
MULDER: This one... if you squint, looks like... something. And then this...
SCULLY sighs again.
MULDER: That's... that's in focus!
We see a photo of what might be mottled green scaly skin with some small red spots.
SCULLY: But what is it?
MULDER: It's a close-up. Of the creature. Now, mind you, I didn't say "monster." And it wasn't a Sasquatch. But it was definitely an animal... man-sized and hairless.
SCULLY: Maybe it was a mangy Sasquatch.
MULDER: Ah. Hey. You're overlooking the video. Look.
He shows SCULLY video of his attack by the lizard creature. There's lots of screaming. The camera is also pointing at MULDER's face the whole time.
SCULLY: Mulder, you've got the lens pointed the wrong way.
MULDER: Yeah, it's the new camera app. But look.
Suddenly blood spurts onto MULDER's face in the video.
MULDER: It shot blood at me. From out its eyeball, Scully. I think. It was hard for me to see, because I had blood in my eyes.
SCULLY: I haven't done the blood analysis yet, but it's probably residue from the prior attack on this victim. And - animals don't shoot blood out of their eyeballs.
MULDER: Oh, no? Well, tell that to the horned lizard. Which shoots blood out its eyeball, Scully, yes. It's a defense mechanism. Scientific fact!
SCULLY: Mulder, the Internet is not good for you.
MULDER: Doesn't this bear a resemblance to what witnesses claim they saw?
SCULLY: What, so now you're saying that you were attacked by a six-foot horny toad?
MULDER: Whoa. Let's just keep this within the realm of the natural sciences, shall we?
SCULLY: My initial exam of the bite marks on this wound would suggest that they were made by a human being.
MULDER: So we're looking for a man-sized horned lizard with human teeth?
MULDER: Sounds a bit silly, doesn't it?
They share a moment.
MULDER: You're really enjoying yourself, aren't you, Scully?
SCULLY: Yeah. I am. I forgot how much fun these cases could be. It's been a long day, Mulder. Why don't you go back to the hotel and get some sleep? And try not to dream about monsters.
Night. Exterior of a motor lodge. The full moon hangs in the sky. We hear crickets.
Cut to MULDER's room. He's lying in bed. On the wall above him are two mounted hunting trophies. His rest in interrupted by cries from outside his room.
MANAGER: Aah! Monster! Help me! It's a monster!
Cut to the motor lodge office. The MANAGER is cleaning a fresh head wound with alcohol. He takes a swig. MULDER appears in the doorway.
MULDER: Everything okay in here?
MANAGER: Uh, yeah. I apologize for the disturbance. Just an argument with an unruly guest. Now, please, go back to your room.
MULDER: I heard someone yell "Monster!"
MANAGER: That's what he had the nerve to call me, just because I asked him to pay his overdue bill. Does that make me some kind of a monster?
MULDER: Of course not.
MANAGER: Exactly. Now, please go away or I'll kill you!
The MANAGER pours some more alcohol onto a flannel before taking another large drink from the bottle. MULDER leaves.
Outside the motor lodge. The "Vacancies" light is illuminated. MULDER spots an open door and heads inside.
An unmade bed. Fast food rubbish on the bedside table. MULDER picks up a paper bag from "smart phones ...is us". Walking around the bed we see the bedside lamp smashed on the floor. Pictures hang crooked on the wall. The mirror is cracked. On a chest of drawers below the mirror MULDER spots a bottle of tablets. The label reads:
450MG 30 CAP
MULDER puts the bottle in his trouser pocket.
He picks up a hunting trophy head from the floor. It's a jackalope - a jackrabbit/antelope hoax. He turns it over. We can see straight through the eyes. MULDER holds it up to put back on the wall, but stops when he notices a hole in the wall behind where the head would hang. He pulls the wall at the bottom of the hole. A concealed doorway open in the wood-panelled wall. The back of the door is padded and covered in black plastic. MULDER heads inside. We see a secret passageway, running behind the motor lodge's rooms. He spots another hole in the wall, opposite his room. He peers though the hole. We see he's looking into another room through the eyes of a mounted Fox head! It's SCULLY's room. She's fast asleep. MULDER smiles, stepping back from the hole.
In the motor lodge office, we see a stuffed large brown bear mounted in an upright pose. With a creak, it starts to move forwards. We see it is attached to a secret doorway that MULDER suddenly appears through, slowly. The MANAGER is still holding the bottle of alcohol.
MULDER: (As if this is completely normal) Oh, hello again.
The MANAGER turns towards MULDER, putting his bottle down on the desk.
MULDER: Just looking for the ice machine...
MANAGER: Hey. W-w-w-What the hell were you...? That's private back there. You're not supposed to b-b-be...
MULDER pulls out his FBI ID and flashes it at the MANAGER.
MANAGER: Oh... (pointing towards the secret passage.) That's a security feature. I had it put in after 9/11.
MULDER: I-I-I'm not gonna report you. When one checks into an establishment such as this, one expects the manager to be a Peeping Tom. But I do harbour suspicions that you saw something in that trashed room that greatly disturbed you. You mind telling me what that was?
MANAGER: You're, uh... you're not gonna believe it.
MULDER leans in.
MULDER: Try me.
Cut to earlier. The MANAGER is in the secret passage. He looks through another secret spy-hole. This time we see MULDER lying supine in bed, covers off, wearing nothing but red Speedos.
MANAGER: Mmm... mmm! Yeah... Tightie action!
From another room we hear GUY MANN's voice, shouting at someone - or something.
GUY MANN: Every day it's the same thing!
The MANAGER moves back from MULDER's spy-hole to the one peering into the room where the shouting is coming from. The shouting continues.
GUY MANN: Why? I hate you! I can't go on like this!
We see an angry GUY MANN pointing at his reflection in the mirror, chastising himself.
GUY MANN: I'm going insane having to look at you every day! Enough!
He throws a chair at the mirror. It cracks. The MANAGER is not impressed.
MANAGER: That's going on his bill.
GUY MANN: And you! (He points over to his bedside table) You bastard...
He rounds the bed to his bedside table and picks up the alarm clock, which immediately starts ringing.
GUY MANN: You are not waking me up again tomorrow. Do you understand?!
He throws the alarm clock onto the floor. It breaks, pieces flying off.
GUY MANN: I'm sick of it!
The MANAGER is engrossed.
GUY MANN: Ah... It's happening again. (He stares at his hands.) Please! Let this be the last time.
GUY MANN races back around the bed until he is looking at his face in the mirror.
GUY MANN: Ohhh!
In the mirror, we see GUY MANN's face slowly change into that of the lizard creature. His hands are now scaly and clawed. The MANAGER sees the transformation through the spy-hole.
Startled, GUY MANN hears him and turns, roaring at the jackalope head on the wall.
MANAGER: (scared) I can't see...
The heads shakes. GUY MANN tears the head off the wall. We see the MANAGER's head staring out of the hole. He screams out. GUY MANN roars back at him, before racing out of the room.
MANAGER: Monster! Help me! It's a...
We cut back to the office, present, as the MANAGER finishes his recollection to MULDER.
MANAGER: ... Monster.
The MANAGER takes another large swig of alcohol.
MULDER: Is this the creature that you saw? (Showing him the three-eyed lizard creature sketch) But with two eyes?
MANAGER: Yeah. That's exactly it.
MULDER: And is this the man?
He shows the MANAGER the photo he snapped on his camera of GUY MANN sitting on the Portaloo.
MANAGER: Oh. That's what I've been trying to tell you. They're one and the same.
Night. Later. SCULLY's room at the motor lodge. She is sitting up in bed. MULDER is pacing at the end of the bed. He's got a lot on his mind.
MULDER: It's a monster, Scully, plain and simple.
He tosses the case file down on the end of SCULLY's bed.
MULDER: And not just your everyday, run-of-the-mill monster, but we're talking transformation here. Man into monster and back again. To which I know you're going to say: "But Mulder, that only happens in werewolf myths that were originally concocted to explain away the violent behaviour of people who'd been bitten by rabid animals, before the medical discovery of rabies." But is it so outlandish to believe that some legends are based on actual occurrences and not just ignorance?
SCULLY tries to say something, but MULDER continues before she has the chance.
MULDER: To which I know what you're going to say, Scully, you're going to say: "But Mulder, it defies every known law of science and nature." Exactly, Scully, every known law. What if this creature that we've stumbled upon is here to create a whole new paradigm for our understanding of life itself? Or maybe science was used to create this "unnatural" being. Maybe this is some GMO experiment run amok by some military-agro-big-pharma corporation. Maybe this guy is its chief geneticist, who recklessly experimented on himself and now transforms into a fiend who needs to feast on human flesh. To which I know you're going to say: "But Mulder, that sounds like the paranoid ravings of some lunatic madman." I don't know what this thing is, Scully, and I don't know exactly how it came to be, I just... All I'm saying is, it's a monster.
SCULLY nods slowly. She smiles.
SCULLY: Yeah, this is how I like my Mulder.
MULDER: So you're agreeing with me?
SCULLY: No! You're batcrap crazy!
MULDER: (jabbing the case file on SCULLY's bed) But what about the facts?
SCULLY: What facts?
MULDER shows SCULLY the photo of GUY MANN from his cell phone and one of the victim's photos in the case file.
MULDER: This guy - who the manager just saw turn into a monster - was wearing the clothes of one of our victims, which we did not notice at the time, because we thought we were looking for an animal. Turns out we were only half right.
SCULLY: Yeah, okay. Well, we need to talk to this guy.
MULDER: Well, I doubt he's coming back to his room. I did retrieve some personal items from it, though, that might help us track him down.
SCULLY: Well, that sounds like a good investigative plan.
MULDER: The first thing we need to do, though... (looking at the Fox head hunting trophy on the well) check out of this motel.
Day. MULDER is consulting with DR. RUMANOVITCH, an eastern European psychiatrist.
DR. RUMANOVITCH: Once upon a time, there was a village that was being tormented by a man-eating lizard-dragon. The local constable did everything to try to kill this creature, but nothing could stop it. So, finally, he visits a gypsy, who tells him the only way to kill this monster is to stab it in its appendix with a lance made of green glass.
MULDER: Wh... why the green glass? And why the appendix?
DR. RUMANOVITCH: Who the hell knows? In these old fairy tales, the monster must always be destroyed by some form of penetration: a silver bullet, a wooden stake; obviously our ancestors were as obsessed with impotency as we are, eh? So, he fashions a lance of green glass and stabs the monster in its appendix. But - as the monster is dying, the constable realizes he's been looking in the mirror. He was the monster all along, you see?
MULDER: The moral being...?
DR. RUMANOVITCH: It's easier to believe in monsters out there in the world than to accept that the real monsters dwell within us (pointing to his head) here... and sometimes (pointing to his heart) here. Maybe sometimes (pointing to his appendix) here.
DR. RUMANOVITCH chuckles to himself.
MULDER: Not everything can be reduced to psychology.
DR. RUMANOVITCH: That's what you think. At any rate, I was reminded of this tale because of your suspect's delusion that when the moon appears, he would turn into a werewolf.
DR. RUMANOVITCH: I'm sorry. I meant "were-lizard." (Looking away in deep thought) The werewolf was my patient on Monday. (Turning back to MULDER) At any event, I prescribed for him this antipsychotic (picking up GUY MANN's pill bottle), but I doubt it did him much good.
MULDER: Why not?
DR. RUMANOVITCH: (shaking his head) He seemed pretty crazy.
MULDER: Your, uh, records don't provide much information, and I'm assuming that Guy Mann is not a real name. Do you have any idea of how I might find him?
DR. RUMANOVITCH: I recommended, the next time he felt an episode coming on, that he go for a quiet stroll in the local cemetery. A reminder that, no matter how overwhelming our anxieties might be, they will soon be resolved, when we are dead and buried for all eternity.
MULDER: Do you really think that's sound therapeutic advice?
DR. RUMANOVITCH: It's what I do.
MULDER: Thank you, Doctor.
DR. RUMANOVITCH: Uh... a moment.
DR. RUMANOVITCH reaches over to a side table, retrieving a pad and pen. He writes on the pad and takes off the topmost piece of paper, handing it to MULDER.
DR. RUMANOVITCH: A prescription... for yourself.
MULDER: For me? Why me?
DR. RUMANOVITCH: Perhaps I've read you wrong, Mr. Mulder, but I wonder: who is in more need of an antipsychotic, a man who believes himself to be a were-lizard or a man who believes that man? Hmm?
MULDER puts the prescription back down on the table and leaves. DR. RUMANOVITCH chuckles before taking a handful of pills out of the pill bottle an swallowing them. He chuckles.
Day. SCULLY is standing outside the "smart phones ...is us!" store, her phone to her ear. The store is empty. Through the window we can see GUY MANN bent over, leaning on one of the display counters, his chin resting on his right hand. Bored.
SCULLY: Mulder, it's me. I can't believe I'm about to say what I'm about to say, but... I think I just found your horny toad lizard man.
MULDER: Where are you?
SCULLY: At the phone store by the motel. I think he works here.
MULDER: I'll be right there.
SCULLY: But, Mulder, I just got an e-mail with the lab results, the blood tests from yesterday, and there are some discrepancies. (No response.) Mulder?
SCULLY hangs up with a sigh. She opens the door to the store and is greeted by the tinkle of a bell. Immediately GUY MANN jumps to his feet with a warm smile on his face.
GUY MANN: Welcome to Smart Phones Is Us. How may I help?
SCULLY: I'm wondering if I can ask you some questions.
Cut to outside the store. MULDER pulls up at the kerb in an gold coloured MPV. HE gets out and heads into the store. SCULLY is alone. They are phones lying scattered all over the floor. The displays knocked over.
MULDER: What the hell happened?
SCULLY: I don't know. I came in and I asked him if I could ask him some questions, and he suddenly yelled "I quit" and he went on a rampage. He fled out the back through the stockroom.
MULDER: What are you doing? You know it's not safe to approach a dangerous suspect without backup. Which way did he go?
SCULLY: He went that way (pointing out the window), down the back alley.
MULDER races out of the door.
SCULLY: (calling out after him) But, Mulder, I got the results back from the lab, and...
Day. Cemetery. GUY MANN is walking slowly through the rows of headstones. He's holding a brown paper bag concealing a bottle of liquor. MULDER pulls up in the gold MPV and gets out to follow him. He kneels down at a headstone to pick up a fresh bunch of flowers before carrying on over to where GUY MANN is standing. MULDER stops and kneels down at an adjacent headstone, which reads:
In Memory of
January 13, 1951
January 25, 2009
"Let's Kick It In The Ass"
MULDER places the flowers at the base of the headstone before placing his palm on its face in a mark of respect. He stands, using his hand to brush the top of the headstone clear of dust and fallen leaves. GUY MANN is standing next to MULDER, his left hand atop a headstone. He notices MULDER and offers him the brown bag, but MULDER silently mouths "No" to politely refuse it.
MULDER: (turning to MANN) Did you lose somebody recently?
GUY MANN: Yeah. Myself. I know this sounds weird, but... until a few days ago, I didn't know we die. I mean, I always knew we could die. I instinctively knew to avoid death, but what I didn't know is... no matter what we do, eventually you end up in a place like this.
MULDER: It doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense, does it?
GUY MANN: It doesn't make any sense. (Waving his arms) Nothing makes sense.
MULDER: I don't mean to intrude, but you seem to have something weighing heavily on you. It might help to get it off your chest.
GUY MANN: You mean... to confess?
MULDER: If you have something to confess.
MULDER takes a step closer to GUY MANN.
GUY MANN: Well, I confess that... if life is nonsense... I just want this madness to end.
MULDER: But you're not thinking of doing anything crazy, are you?
GUY MANN: No. I'm just gonna (pause) kill you. (Excitedly) You ready?!
GUY MANN pulls the green liquor bottle out of the brown bag and smashes it on the headstone in front of him, before lunging at MULDER with it. MULDER ducks out of the way, before righting himself and attempting to draw his gun. GUY MANN tries to stop him by grabbing the gun, knocking MULDER to the ground in the process. The gun bounces away out of reach.
GUY MANN: No, not the gun, you fool!
MULDER hits the ground with a thud. We finally see the headstone that GUY MANN was standing in front of. It reads:
JULY 16 1953
MARCH 24 2015
NOTHING SAYS THANK YOU
Now MULDER's lying on his back, unarmed. GUY MANN is looming over him with the broken bottle.
GUY MANN: You okay?
MULDER: (Confused) Huh?
GUY MANN: Oh!
GUY MANN theatrically stumbles, dropping the broken bottle right on front of MULDER.
GUY MANN: Oh, no! I've lost my weapon!
MULDER picks up the bottle and jumps to his feet. GUY MANN grabs the bottle and, with MULDER still holding it, tries to stab himself in the appendix, holding his shirt up with his free hand.
GUY MANN: Here!
MULDER pulls the bottle out of GUY MANN's hand. Suddenly MANN puts his hands around MULDER's neck, but MULDER puts up no resistance.
GUY MANN: Come on, defend yourself!
MULDER: I know what you're trying to do. The green glass, the appendix. But I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna kill you. I want to help you.
GUY MANN looks disheartened.
GUY MANN: The only way you can help me, mister, is... by killing me. (Pleading with MULDER) Please. Just put me out of my misery.
MULDER: Okay. I'll do it. I'll kill you.
GUY MANN: Thanks, Mister! You're, like, the only nice person I've ever met!
MULDER: But first I want to hear how this happened to you.
GUY MANN sighs deeply.
GUY MANN: Oh...
MULDER: The whole story.
GUY MANN: Okay.
He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a new, unopened bottle of liquor.
GUY MANN: But you're gonna need this. (He pulls out the stopper and offers the bottle to MULDER.) It's a shocker.
MULDER looks at the bottle and sighs.
Night. Forest. A bright full moon hangs in the sky shrouded by clouds. We're in flashback to the events at the beginning of the episode, but from GUY MANN's perspective.
We see GUY MANN in were-lizard form, relaxing in a forest floor clearing, lying back with his hands behind his head and a grass stem in his mouth. We hear a twig snap close by and a man cry out. He suddenly sits bolt upright, looking around.
MAN: Stop! No! Aah!
Two men wrestling each other crash through the nearby branches. GUY MANN drops to the ground, turns over and lies face down in the earth, trying to disappear and not be noticed by the two men who are still locked together and writhing on the ground right next to him. We see PASHA, the animal control officer, in control of the other man. He pins him down, leans over him and bites his neck. GUY MANN notices and jumps to his feet. He roars at PASHA to try and stop him. PASHA jumps to his feet and starts to grapple with GUY MANN, still in his were-lizard form. PASHA grabs him around the shoulders and cranes his neck around GUY MANN's horny face and bites him on the side of the neck.
GUY MANN: Aah!
After the attack, GUY MANN fends off PASHA who is thrown to the ground. GUY MANN stands there with is hand on his neck, whimpering and waving his arms around in panic, before running off, straight at the two STONERS we saw earlier. They see him coming just as he leaps through the middle of them and makes his getaway through the forest.
MALE STONER: Dude...
Cut back to MULDER and GUY MANN in the cemetery.
MULDER: Wait. I'm confused already. You said you were going to start at the beginning.
GUY MANN: I am. That's how the whole thing started. I should have stayed still, but I panicked. I tried to scare off that predator. Of course, that only made him more rabid. I didn't even get a chance to shoot blood out of my eyeballs.
MULDER: So you're saying a man bit you? (GUY MANN pulls his shirt collar down to reveal the neck wound from PASHA. MULDER is decidedly unimpressed.) That looks like a hickey.
GUY MANN: Well, it looks different when I'm normal.
MULDER: Is this what you look like when you're "normal"?
MULDER pulls out the three-eyed lizard creature sketch. GUY MANN is incredulous at the likeness.
GUY MANN: What!? Three eyes!? (Deadpan) But yeah, that's actually quite close.
MULDER: So wh... when did you... first transform?
GUY MANN: Oh, that didn't happen till the next morning...
Flashback to the forest on the morning after the attack. GUY MANN is lying along a tree trunk. He's in human form, and he's naked. He opens his eyes and looks up. He holds his hand in front of his face, trying to understand what has happened to his body.
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) My transformation wasn't just physical but mental. I heard a voice in my head. My voice. I became conscious of my own self-consciousness and then I had my very first thought: "I'm naked!" I became overcome by some irrational need to cover up.
Sitting up on the tree trunk, he looks around and see the bodies of three victims lying in a depression under the large unearthed root ball of a fallen tree.
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) For some unknown reason, there was a bunch of dead bodies lying around...
He walks over the bodies. We see one of the victims with a large wound to his neck. He's wearing the familiar shirt, jacket, trousers and Fedora.
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) Now, I had never worn clothes before, but through some primordial instinct, I... I knew how to put them on. (He takes the clothes off the victim's body and puts them on.) Once clothed, I became... possessed. I fought against it as much as I could, but I lost control. I had to go on a hunt. I had to hunt down a... a...
MULDER: A human victim?
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) No, a job...
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) My craze wouldn't be satiated until I found steady work. So I walked straight into town and rather tragically I... I found something right away...
Cut to the "smart phones ...is us" store on GUY MANN's first day. He's talking technobabble to a female customer.
GUY MANN: (talking to customer) Now, this model comes with 3,000 gigabertz of pixelbits...
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) It's perfect for me. I have no idea what I'm saying, and neither do my customers.
GUY MANN: (to customer) You can see from the shape of it that it's quite rectangular...
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) By the end of the day, I was the manager.
Back to the cemetery.
MULDER: Putting aside the logistics of no Social Security number, no references...
GUY MANN: I don't need any of that stuff. You see, now I possess the one Darwinian advantage that humans have over other animals: the ability to B.S. my way through anything! (Smiling) I mean, it's better than camouflage!
MULDER: You wouldn't happen to be, uh, B.S-ing me right now about all this, would you?
GUY MANN: I don't know. Maybe? I don't understand half the things I'm telling you.
MULDER: I find that... disconcerting.
GUY MANN: What's even more disturbing is what I did after work that first day. I was so exhausted, out of my mind, I... (looking despondent) I committed a murder...
MULDER: Who did you kill?
GUY MANN: A cow.(Cut to GUY MANN standing in an Andy's drive-thru queue, ordering food at the intercom.
GUY MANN: I'd like a double cheeseburger and a large order of fries.
FEMALE CLERK: Sir, if you're not in a car, you have to come inside to order.
GUY MANN: (As if this simple request makes absolutely no sense) Why?
Back to the cemetery.
MULDER: In your natural state, you're a vegetarian?
GUY MANN: No, an insectivore. But no one likes insects, not even other insects. Anyway, I-I took my kill, checked into a motel, and then I just spent the rest of the day helplessly watching... porn.
Porn music is playing. GUY MANN is lying on the bed in the motel, eating his take-away. He leans over to the bedside table where his large drink is standing. He puts his face right over the open cup and starts to quickly flick some of the liquid into his mouth with his tongue.
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) But then, sometime during the night, a change occurred.
He reaches down on the bed to grab up the remote, but when he picks it up to change channel he notices that his hand has turned into that of the were-lizard. He looks at his other hand, still holding his cheeseburger. That has also changed. He leaps off the bed excitedly and races to the mirror. He stares into the mirror, expectantly. Moments later, his face starts to transform into that of the were-lizard. He grins jubilantly.
GUY MANN: Yeah, all right!
He excitedly peels off his shirt. His chest is scaly. He pulls off his trousers to reveal his scaly green legs and pristine white underpants. He jumps onto the bed, whooping and hollering as he bounces on the mattress.
GUY MANN: Come on!. Whoo, yeah! I'm back, baby!
He drops onto his chest on the bed. We see his fully transformed red eyes and horny face.
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) I was myself again. And everything was fine... until the next morning.
The next morning in the motel. GUY MANN is woken by his alarm clock. He is still in were-lizard form. He leans over to the bedside table. He smacks the alarm clock across the room angrily. He sits on the side of the bed, breathing heavily. He yawns. As he does so he starts to transform back into human form. We see his moustache has not quite reappeared fully. His puts a finger in his right ear and scratches. The missing moustache pops out. He yawns again as he gets to his feet and slowly lumbers over the coffee machine, groaning.
GUY MANN: Coffee. Need coffee.
He opens the coffee machine and pours in some ground coffee.
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) Alas, I was human again.
He pours ground coffee into his mouth. He chews it a little before coughing it up.
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) I went back to work. But now that I had a job, all I could think about was how much I hated my job.
Flashback to inside the "smart phones ...is us" store. It is empty. GUY MANN is leaning against one of the phone handset displays, fake-smiling to invisible customers. Suddenly he's had enough.
GUY MANN: Oh, that's it. I quit!
He flips the display over and handsets go flying across the store floor. He tears of his jackets and throws it at the wall in anger.
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) But I was too overcome with human fear to quit. How would I pay my bills?
Calmed down, he gets on his knees and starts to pick up the handsets.
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) Without a job, I'd-I'd never get a loan and start a mortgage, whatever that is. Already I was terrified I wasn't saving enough for my retirement.
He kneels back, sighing as he contemplates his future life. We cut back to the cemetery.
GUY MANN: And what else was I supposed to do? If I haven't written my novel by now, I'm never going to write it, you know? I just couldn't go on. So I... I visited a witch doctor.
Confused, MULDER starts to mouth the letter "W?".
GUY MANN: Psychiatrist.
GUY MANN: But the medicine he gave me didn't cure me, it just clouded my thoughts. And as a result, I... I did something insane.
MULDER: (Interested again) You attacked and killed someone?
GUY MANN: No, I got a puppy! I named him Daggoo.
Flashback to GUY MANN in his motel room with a small white terrier. He's holding it up around its chest and talking to it, face to face.
GUY MANN: Daggoo! Daggoo! Daggoo!
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) And I quickly realized that the only way to be happy as a human was to spend all of your time in the company of non-humans!
He crawls along the floor excitedly after the dog. Later, he's transformed into the were-lizard and is still playing on the floor with the dog.
GUY MANN: We played all through the night. But the next day, when I came home from work...
The next day he enters the motel room bearing gifts and some large cuts of meat for the dog.
GUY MANN: Daggoo, I'm home! Daggoo? Daggoo!
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) ...well, I guess the maid must have accidentally let him out.
He races to the door, calling out for his dog.
GUY MANN: Daggoo!
Later he's walking around the parking lot, searching for the dog and calling out his name.
GUY MANN: Daggoo!
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) I searched everywhere. All night long. But it was hopeless. Because life's hopeless. A few fleeting moments of happiness, surrounded by crushing loss and grief.
He's at the edge of the parking lot, staring out into the mist-topped long grass.
GUY MANN: Daggoo! (Sobbing) Daggoo...
He drops to the ground, lying in the grass sobbing.
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) Why bother?
Back to the cemetery.
GUY MANN: Just when I'd given up the search... I saw him.
GUY MANN: No. No, the man who had bit me and turned me into a human.
Still lying in the grass, a pair of feet - PASHA's - walk straight past him. He looks up.
GUY MANN: Just catching sight of that son of a bitch made me even more human, because I was filled with the one thing that only humans can understand: revenge. I got up and I stalked after him. I just wanted to...
Back to the cemetery.
GUY MANN holds out his hands imitating strangling someone.
MULDER: Strangle him and eat his flesh?
GUY MANN: Yes!
MULDER: Now we're getting somewhere.
GUY MANN: But just as I was about to do that... I saw him do the same thing to someone else.
Flashback. GUY MANN is quietly following PASHA along the edge of the long grass. A man grunts and yells. GUY MANN stops, his hands over his mouth, disgusted at what he can see in front of him.
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) I'd never seen such pointless brutality. I was so transfixed by the horror that I didn't notice the moon had come out.
PASHA is lying on top of the victim, chewing on his neck. The moon now out, GUY MANN has transformed back into his were-lizard form. He starts retreating, taking off his clothes as he does so.
GUY MANN: (Voice-over) But having caught a glimpse of what human nature was capable of, I wanted no more part of it. I decided to shed my clothes and return to the wild!
We see the tighty-whited GUY MANN walking through the parking lot, approaching ANNABELL from between the two parked semi trucks. ANNABELL notices him, screams and swings her large purse at him, clocking GUY MANN right in the face. Initially he's dazed...
GUY MANN: Man, she hit like a man.
Then he drops to the ground with a thump like a sack of potatoes. And not small potatoes. Back to the cemetery.
MULDER: That's because she used to be... uh, she once... She's transgender.
GUY MANN: (Disbelief) What? You can't transform into a different sex! That's nuts!
MULDER: It's not nuts. It's actually a very common medical procedure. You don't need the surgery, technically...
GUY MANN: (Grabbing at straws) Maybe that's what I could do! It's a cure!
GUY MANN: Well, I've got to stop transforming. I'll do the surgery.
MULDER: Completely different.
GUY MANN: (His mind made up) I don't care how much it costs, I'll do it.
MULDER: They cut off (nodding with his head towards GUY MANN's groin area) your genitals.
GUY MANN: (Thinking about it) Nah, I'll leave it. That's... that's a step too far, isn't it?
GUY MANN: Okay. Well, anyway, I think she gave me a concussion. Rest of the night's pretty foggy. Some people chased me around a truck, and a man took a picture of me in the Porta Potti.
MULDER: That was me, actually.
GUY MANN: I thought I recognized you!
MULDER: But wait... how could you have changed back into a man? It wasn't morning yet...
GUY MANN: I don't know how it works. I'm not a scientist.
MULDER: I'm just looking for some kind of internal logic.
GUY MANN: Why? There isn't an external logic, to any of it. I mean, I went back to the motel, and a jackalope head on the wall started screaming at me. Explain that! And I'm creeped out by jackalopes, ever since a friend of mine got gored by one.
MULDER: Jackalopes aren't real. They-they were a hoax perpetrated by a Wyoming taxidermist in 1932. They... they don't exist.
GUY MANN: Well, I'd like to see you explain that to my dead friend, George! Anyway, I fled the motel, turned into a human again the next morning and went into work.
Flashback to the "smart phones ...is us" store. The bell tinkles and SCULLY enters. She walks over to the display where GUY MANN is standing.
GUY MANN: Welcome to Smart Phones Is Us. How may I help?
SCULLY: I'm wondering if I can ask you some questions.
GUY MANN: Mm-hmm?
SCULLY: (Aggressively flirty) I think maybe my phone isn't working right, 'cause guys don't send me pictures of their junk on it. I think maybe I'd like to... take a picture of yours.
Porn music starts playing. SCULLY peels off her jacket, and, giving GUY MANN come-hither eyes, disappears off into the stock room at the back of the store. She stops as she gets to the stock room door, unbuttoning her shirt and flashing some cleavage in his direction.
SCULLY: Come on. I want to make you say "cheese."
Cut to inside the stock room.
GUY MANN's trousers are around his ankles. SCULLY's shirt is off, her red hair down. They're going at it against a wall like in the porn movie he was watching earlier in him motel room.
SCULLY: (Moaning with pleasure) You're an animal! An animal!
GUY MANN: (Not believing his good fortune) This feels good!
SCULLY: (Still moaning with pleasure) Oh, don't stop! Don't...
Back to the cemetery.
GUY MANN is still in the moment physically, pretending he's still embracing SCULLY in the store.
MULDER: (Shaking his head) That... did not happen.
GUY MANN: I know it's hard to believe, but, apparently I'm terrific in the sack.
MULDER: You made that up.
GUY MANN: Oh... (long pause, straight face) all right, you got me. Ever since I became a human, I can't help but lie about my sex life. But that's the only untruthful bit in the whole story.
MULDER, feeling like he's heard enough for one day, leans back against the gravestone, staring up in to the sky.
GUY MANN: So please... will you kill me now?
MULDER closes his eyes. He looks pained.
GUY MANN: (Disappointed) You don't believe me, do you?
MULDER: I thought I was going to believe you, but it's all... it's just too... fantastic.
GUY MANN: It's not fantastic. It's tragic!
MULDER: No, I mean it's just... silly.
GUY MANN: That's my life you're talking about.
MULDER: It's my life, too. You and me, we're the same, Guy. We both want to believe in things that aren't real - or even possible.
GUY MANN: "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, than are dreamt of in..."
TOGETHER: "...your philosophy."
MULDER: I know that.
GUY MANN: Ah, but did you know the First Folio version reads: "than are dreamt of in our philosophy"?
MULDER: So Hamlet is not just calling Horatio an ignorant idiot, he's calling us all ignorant idiots?
GUY MANN: It's a comforting thought, isn't it? Because if there's nothing more to life than what we already know, then there's nothing but... worries, self-doubt, regret and loneliness.
They're both thinking about the words. GUY MANN sighs heavily. He walks around in front of MULDER and grabs him by the lapels, pleading with him.
GUY MANN: Fox, man, you've got to put me out of my misery! I don't want to wake up tomorrow and have to go to work!
As he's holding MULDER's jacket, he feels MULDER's FBI ID in his left breast pocket. He takes it out, opening it.
GUY MANN: What the hell's this? You're the fuzz?
MULDER straightens up his jacket and assumes a more professional pose.
MULDER: I'm in town investigating the murders.
GUY MANN: And you think I'd do something like that? What kind of a monster do you think I am? You didn't want to help me, you just wanted to arrest me for something I didn't do. Who takes advantage of someone like that? A human, that's who. (He slaps the FBI ID in MULDER's chest in disgust). A human rat fink!
He starts to walk away but turns back to MULDER.
GUY MANN: I'm not delusional. I know what I am. I'm no monster. (Pointing at MULDER) You're the monster! J'accuse Monsieur Mulder!
He walks off. He passes an elderly couple laying flowers at a graveside. He stops to warn them.
GUY MANN: Run for your lives! (Pointing to MULDER) There's a monster! Run! Monster! Monster!
He disappears behind some trees. MULDER takes the green bottle of Bourbon from his jacket pocket and takes a big swig. He sighs.
Fade to black.
Day. Cemetery. Later. MULDER is passed out on his back in front of the Kim Manners gravestone. His jacket lies to one side, the empty Bourbon bottle to the other. His cell phone starts ringing. His ring tone is the theme from "The X-Files". He answers.
MULDER: Hey, Scully.
SCULLY is petting Daggoo through the wire frame of a pet carrier. We're not sure where she is.
SCULLY: Hey, Mulder, where have you been?
MULDER sits up and leans back against the gravestone. He puts his cell phone on speaker.
MULDER: I fell off the wagon, Scully. I got a little taste of my old monster-hunting ways and then I downed the whole bottle.
SCULLY: I take it you found your were-lizard?
MULDER: Yeah, it turns out it wasn't a man who turns into a lizard, it was a lizard who turns into a man.
SCULLY: I don't see the difference.
MULDER: That's the point, Scully, there is no difference. Both scenarios are equally foolish. And I was foolish to believe... well, maybe I was just a fool, Scully. Maybe I always have been.
MULDER is browsing the photos/videos taken the previous night during the hunt for the were-lizard. He deletes the "selfie" video of the were-lizard squirting blood from its eyes onto his face.
MULDER: Where are you?
SCULLY: I'm at the animal shelter. I'm waiting to see that animal control officer.
He deletes a photo of PASHA.
MULDER: So he didn't quit after all, huh?
SCULLY: No, I guess maybe he's like us. Some jobs keep pulling you back.
SCULLY is petting Daggoo through the cage with a finger when it tries to have a nibble.
SCULLY: Ow! Oh!
MULDER: What was that? What happened?
SCULLY: This little puppy here just tried to take a bite out of me.
MULDER: A bite?
MULDER's cell phone is displaying a photo of the were-lizard's skin with a ring of small red puncture marks. Could easily be human.
SCULLY: He's a cute little guy, though. Kind of reminds me of Queequeg.
PASHA enters from a back room holding his catch pole, his face void of all emotion. He fixes his gaze on SCULLY, who is unaware he is approaching from behind.
SCULLY: You know, there was a recent comparative cognition study that showed that dogs hold hostilities toward people that harm their masters? I mean, I guess maybe I miss having a dog to love... ...and someone to hold my grudges for me.
PASHA arcs the catch pole through the air and the noose drops cleanly over SCULLY's head. He pulls her backwards towards the ground. She tries to get onto some empty animal cages against the wall, but only succeeds in pulling them on top of her as she falls to the ground, phone in hand. MULDER hears the crashing on his cell phone.
Getting no response from SCULLY, he calls for help as he makes his way back over to his SUV which is parked just off the road in the cemetery.
MULDER: This is Agent Mulder with the FBI. I need emergency backup to the animal control shelter. And where the hell is the animal control shelter?
Day. Animal Control Shelter. MULDER bursts in through the front doors, followed by two uniformed police officers.
Feathers are still floating in the air. Dogs are loose. Daggoo is still sitting in the small pet cage on top of the counter. We hear chatter on the police radios. As MULDER rounds the counter we see SCULLY, looking unruffled, handcuffing PASHA who lies face down on the floor.
SCULLY: Hey. You missed all the fun.
MULDER: Are you okay?
SCULLY: Yeah, but I hate to disappoint you. It wasn't some monster running around, killing people and eating their flesh - it was a normal human being.
MULDER: Did you know it was him before coming here?
SCULLY: Yeah. That one autopsy result showed that the actual cause of death was strangulation. (She gets PASHA to his feet, his hands cuffed behind his body.) And so, on a hunch, I analyzed the pole that he left behind, and there was tissue and blood from previous victims.
PASHA: It all started when I was a child... this uncontrollable urge to torture small animals. As I got older, my compulsion didn't vanish...
PASHA starts to try and explain his actions, but MULDER doesn't want to know.
SCULLY: Okay, all right. Leave it for the trial. (PASHA is lead away by the police officers.) You're right, Mulder. You've seen one serial killer, you've seen them all.
PASHA: But I have a whole speech prepared... that I...
POLICE OFFICER: Come on.
The two police officers escort PASHA out of the front doors of the animal shelter.
MULDER: Scully, that is the second time you've approached a dangerous suspect without backup. What's going on?
SCULLY: Thought maybe you'd want some more quality time with your lizard man. Besides, you forget - I'm immortal.
SCULLY: Mulder, how did you figure out it was him?
MULDER: Oh, I was going over those photos I took and I realized one was of a bite mark, so if Guy's story were true, it means he must have been bitten by...
He thinks about what he's saying.
MULDER: If Guy's story were true?
MULDER rushes off out of the front door to find GUY MANN. Daggoo barks at SCULLY and she walks over to him. He pleads his case.
SCULLY: Hey, buddy. You want to come home with me?
She picks the cage up off the counter and makes her way to the door.
Night. Forest. Sounds of birds and insects. GUY MANN, in human form, is slowly walking through the forest, removing items of clothing as he walks. MULDER pulls up behind him in his SUV and gets out, calling after him.
MULDER: Guy! Hey, Guy! (GUY MANN stops and turns around, dumping his jacket on the ground.) We caught the killer.
GUY MANN: So?
MULDER: So... for a while there, I thought maybe it was you.
GUY MANN: Well, thanks... I guess.
MULDER: It means that I... I know now... you were telling the truth.
GUY MANN is unbuttoning his shirt, his tie still around his neck.
GUY MANN: Sounds like you're still unsure.
MULDER: Well, you have to admit, it's, uh... it's a little absurd.
GUY MANN: A little bit absurd? It's a lot absurd. I mean, look at this thing. Whose genius idea was it to tie a piece of cloth around your neck? It's waiting to strangle you.
He unties the tie from his neck and throws it down on top of his jacket. He takes off his Panama hat and offers it to MULDER.
GUY MANN: Do you want a hat?
He tosses the unwanted hat into the undergrowth.
MULDER: What are you doing?
GUY MANN: This is the time for my kind to go into hibernation.
He takes off his shirt and unzips his trousers, taking them off until he is standing there in just his underwear.
GUY MANN: I'm hoping I won't turn into a human again during it, and maybe when I wake up again, I will have slept off this whole transformation thing.
MULDER: I didn't know that, uh, reptiles hibernated.
GUY MANN: (Offended) Whoa! I'm not a reptile. That's racist!
MULDER: O-O-Okay... Okay. How-how long do you hibernate for?
GUY MANN: Well, I never really did get the hang of human constructs of time. Let me see... (He starts counting on his fingers) Uh, lunar cycles, you got four of those, then you got your seasons, just... 10,000 years.
MULDER: That's... not possible.
GUY MANN: There you go again, not believing me!
He finally takes off his underpants. MULDER directs his gaze upwards. GUY MANN turns around are starts walking deeper into the forest. MULDER calls out after him.
MULDER: I want to believe!
GUY MANN stops, turns and starts walking back towards MULDER.
GUY MANN: I don't mean to get too personal, but... this has been a real trying time for me. I've been through a lot. But just having someone like you to... Look, what I'm trying to say is... I'm glad to have met you.
He extends his hand warmly in thanks and friendship. MULDER looks down and reciprocates. They shake. As MULDER looks up again GUY MANN has already transformed back into his normal were-lizard form, which takes MULDER completely by surprise.
GUY MANN stands there for a moment in front of MULDER, before turning and, with a hop, skip and a jump, disappears off into the dark, forest night.
MULDER stands there, awestruck, for several more seconds before he can speak, his arm still outstretched from shaking GUY MANN's hand, illuminated in the headlights of his SUV. When he does speak, it's filled with wonder, his face beaming.
It's been a while since I last updated - please let me know if you like the new transcript!